Thursday, February 10
it's flaring up again, worse than ever. actually i realised it a couple of weeks ago. the way i can't sit without longing to fall asleep right there and then. my spine shooting pains all day long. migraines that travel all over and never go away. nausea. and my fingers have been numb for a few days. it's getting worse now. i think i have piano tomorrow.. shucks. i don't want her to ask why i can't control the sensitivity of my playing.. even now i'm typing everything slowly. i wanna go to bed. and sleep forever. but there are a billion things to be done. already i'm recieving stuff to format and put in the church bulletin. i don't like working on the bulletin. it scares the hell out of me having to work with such senior members of the church. i have to watch my words. make everything formal. can't make a mistake. not a toe out of line. i can't take it. why did i agree to it? first i'm the youngest sunday school teacher. then i'm the youngest member of the whatever-blah-forgot-its-name-bulletin committee. i'm a kid too you know. i gotta sleep sometime. have a social life, go out with my friends. and guides is taking up this huge chunk of my life. fibromyalgia doesn't help at all. it actually hurts. a lot. fatigued when i know i shouldn't be. if i were someone else, anyone normal, anyone but me, i'd have plenty of energy to do all this. but i don't. great heavens above. grant me the strength to pull through. fulfil my duties.
i hate myself. i feel like sucha whiner. i mustn't ever complain about this again. ah what the hell.
i can't wait to see all of you on v-day. =) miss y'all so much.. but there's so much work due then.. i can't find info for my hist essays. can't find info for the econs project. and don't get me started on searching for debate stuff. but knowing i'm gonna see you all soon makes everything so much better. =) in this mortal realm, i guess my friends are the only bright stars in the sky. you're the hope i can touch, i can cling to. i'm really terrified about this.. i feel like i'm losing something. like God isn't a big part of my life anymore. with no one reading devotions and praying everyday, it's so easy to just be merely secular. no turning around the corners and seeing bible verses staring you in the face. just empty walls and chinese words. it's so easy to forget God. i don't want to. i want him back in the centre of my life. but i look at the empty faces and empty buildings and i don't find God here. he's blessing st. marg's, but in hc it feels so cold and blank and - secular. this shouldn't be about buildings, about schools. it's really about me. i wish i could do bible study and pray with y'all. kinda like the way we used to. pray before everything. everything. the other day i suggested praying before the debate. they all stared at me. i thought we were christians. but nevermind. sweeties, no one can ever replace you.
today in the car my parents were ragging me about being ugly. first my mum started on my bad skin. it's really too bad that fibromyalgia causes me to scar/bruise easily and then take forever to heal right? she kept comparing me to my sister. i almost lost my temper. like all right already, i know she's your perfect daughter. the smart one, the pretty one, the one with the big eyes and double eyelids and big pretty smile, the one with the nice thin fine hair, the one with the good complexion, the one who doesn't have fibromyalgia. the one who isn't costing so much on medication and treatment. okay okay stop it stop it. leave me alone. why do i have to be so damned human? i'm only mortal.
staring at my phone. you haven't called in a while. why would you, when i haven't either? we just saw each other. i think i'll call jean about tomorrow.. she can't read this anyway. jean.. tell me why we only see stars in the darkest of nights. tell me why we had to graduate and leave each other. tell me why i'm losing faith in human love.
that's why she shies away from human affection.
it must've been love.
10:39 pm
xoxo
